According to a 2023 report by Statistics Canada, nearly 28% of Canadians aged 15 and older reported feeling lonely at least sometimes. Many experts attribute this to the increase in remote work, online interactions, and the lingering effects of the COVID-19 pandemic, which have all contributed significantly to individuals feeling less connected to neighbours, colleagues, friends, and loved ones. Sometimes, feeling lonely is entirely normal. However, many people face persistent isolation and loneliness. Feelings of loneliness have been linked to mental and physical health problems, including anxiety, depression, heart disease, and even premature death. One must understand that loneliness is not the same as being alone. One can feel lonely in a crowd and happy to spend a quiet day alone at home. The root of loneliness is feeling a lack of connection to others. Therefore, the key to combating loneliness and feeling more connected is to think of the areas in our lives where we can make new connections or strengthen existing ones. In her final book, The Joy of Connections, Dr. Ruth Westheimer, a celebrated sex therapist and author, suggested five areas to consider when working on improving connections. Dr. Ruth’s insightful “menu for connection” includes the self, family, friends and lovers, community, and technology.
Self
The first and most important area to consider is ourselves. If we feel lonely and disconnected from others, what factors within us may have contributed to this outcome? Reflecting on ourselves and how our thoughts, feelings, and behaviours may have isolated us can be challenging work. However, to make meaningful connections, we must be open and available to make them. Being open to connection can begin with accepting and loving ourselves, especially the things that make us unique. And being more available can start with looking honestly at how we spend our time.
Family
Family, for many, is the first place we feel a deep sense of belonging and connection. Family members share a history, and if the relationships are positive, they can provide a support system and easy comradery. For many of us, family is the cornerstone of our social lives and is vital to our emotional well-being. Because of this family can be an easy place to look for improved connections. Working on repairing or strengthening family relationships can significantly combat feelings of loneliness. However, for some, their family has not been a safe-haven and understanding when to lean into family connections and when it is better not to can feel tricky. If your biological family isn’t a place to turn to for support or connection, it can be challenging to accept that reality and adjust your expectations. One place to look for a greater connection could be those relationships that make up your chosen family. Reaching out to people who have supported you can be a good place to start.
Friends and Lovers
The simplest way to combat loneliness is to reach out to those friends we do have and make a date. It can sometimes feel like we are always the ones to reach out, but if we feel lonely, we should take the initiative. A simple text or call can be the first step in reigniting those connections. If you are hoping to make new friendships or find a romantic partner, there are many ways to begin. Joining local clubs, classes, or community organizations can open doors to new friendships and connections. This is easier if we choose things we are really interested in or passionate about. Studies show building a solid connection takes about 120 hours over the first three weeks. It’s essential to be proactive in nurturing these relationships and putting in that time.
Community
Connections can happen anywhere, and likely, you already have communities you are part of. By leaning into these established communities by volunteering or attending events regularly, we can begin to build connections with individual community members. So, look around for communities in your life. Are there people at work that you’d like to know better? Are you part of a religious community, or would you want to be? Is there a hobby or class that interests you? Even a support group for grief or illness can become a community and put you in touch with people experiencing the same things as you. By immersing ourselves in our communities, we strengthen our social networks and minimize feelings of isolation.
Technology
Technology can be a nuanced area to consider. For many of the goals of connection, technology sucks our time and keeps us isolated (think scrolling social media or binge streaming every evening after work). However, the ease of connection that technology provides can be an excellent tool for feeling more connected. Technology can allow us to find online communities for almost anything, many of which have meet-up events to move those connections to in person. Online dating and friend sites can be an easy way to meet new people who are open to it. When considering technology, it is important to remember that in-person time is the goal and talking is preferable to texting. With all that said, making and maintaining connections is easier with all the tools technology provides.
When we feel lonely and isolated, it can feel like there is no way to change things, and any move can feel daunting. However, thinking about the areas in your life ripe for connections and what you can do to foster those connections is a good place to start. We all want to feel part of a community with meaningful connections—focusing on yourself, your family or chosen family, nurturing friendships, dating, engaging with your community, and having technology support those goals—we can foster a sense of belonging and create a richer and more connected life.