The ability to really listen to our partners – not just to their words, but also the emotions behind them, is essential to building strong, genuine, connected relationships. When someone expresses their vulnerable emotions, they are taking a risk. Listening from a place of empathy and curiosity shows our partner that they can rely on us to respond when they reach for us.
Why Listening Can Be So Hard in Relationships
There are a few common reasons why truly listening to our partner is more challenging than it sounds:
- We’re preparing our response instead of being present.
- We feel defensive and start mentally arguing back.
- We’re distracted, tired, or overwhelmed.
- We assume we already know what they’re going to say.
All of these habits are normal—but they get in the way of connection. The good news? You can unlearn them.
The 5 Essentials of Active Listening
If you want to become a better listener in your relationship, here are five simple but powerful shifts to make:
1. Be Present
Put down your phone. Turn off the TV or any other distractions. Look at your partner and give them your full attention. It sounds obvious, but this small act sends a big message: You’re important to me.
2. Use Supportive Body Language
Make eye contact. Nod occasionally. Lean in slightly. These non-verbal cues show you’re engaged, even if you’re not speaking. While you’re listening, resist the urge to think of your response. Instead, focus on being curious about your partner’s perspective – really try to understand where they are coming from.
3. Reflect Back What You Hear
After your partner shares something, say, “So what I’m hearing is…” or “It sounds like you felt…” This isn’t about repeating their words—it’s about showing you understand their experience.
4. Validate Their Feelings
You don’t have to agree to validate. Try: “That makes sense,” or “I can see why you’d feel that way.” Validation helps your partner feel seen—even in disagreement.
5. Stay Curious
Instead of jumping in with advice or solutions, ask open-ended questions like, “What was that like for you?” or “Tell me more.” This invites depth and helps your partner feel safe opening up.
Common Listening Pitfalls to Avoid
Even with the best intentions, it’s easy to fall into these traps:
- Fixing too quickly: Sometimes your partner doesn’t need a solution—they just need to feel heard.
- Making it about you: “That happened to me too!” might seem relatable, but it can shift the focus away from your partner.
- Minimizing: Saying things like “It’s not a big deal” or “You’re overreacting” can feel dismissive, even if they’re meant kindly.
Being mindful of these habits can help you stay focused on connection over correction.
A Simple Listening Ritual for Couples
If you’re looking for a practical way to build better listening habits, try this short exercise:
The 10-Minute Listening Practice:
- Set a timer for 5 minutes. One partner speaks without interruption about something meaningful—anything from their day to a deeper feeling.
- The listener simply listens—no fixing, no interrupting.
- When the timer goes off, the listener reflects back what they heard, asks one curious follow-up question, and thanks their partner.
- Switch roles and repeat.
Try this once a week and see how it shifts the way you connect.
Listening well isn’t always easy—but it is transformative. When we feel heard, we feel loved. And when both partners commit to showing up with presence, empathy, and curiosity, even hard conversations can become moments of closeness.
So here’s your gentle challenge: the next time your partner speaks, slow down. Be present. Listen with your heart, not just your ears.
You might be surprised by what you hear.
If you and your partner are struggling to feel truly heard, the compassionate counsellors at Ellis Nicolson & Associates are here to support you. Reach out today and take the first step toward a more understanding, deeply connected relationship.