In a world that constantly sets impossible standards for parents—especially mothers—the concept of being a “good enough mother” may offer a liberating alternative. Modern parents, especially mothers, are bombarded with messages about what it takes to raise happy, successful children. Curated social media posts and the expectation to over-schedule enrichment activities can exacerbate the pursuit for maternal perfection. Even though parents now spend more time with their kids and expend more resources than in past generations, many still feel that they are falling short. The strength of a “good enough” mother lies in her acceptance of imperfection and vulnerability, demonstrating to her children that meaningful love and connection arise not from flawlessness, but from sincerity and emotional presence.
The Origin of “Good Enough”
The term “good-enough mother” was coined in the 1950s by British pediatrician and psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott. He used it to describe the mother who is sufficiently attuned and responsive to her child’s needs—not perfectly, but reliably. As children grow, a good-enough mother gradually loosens her hyper-responsiveness, allowing her child to experience manageable frustration and reasonable risk, which fosters the development of resiliency and autonomy. A “good enough mother” is one who is caring but also allows space for her child to experience life, make mistakes, and develop resilience. She repairs ruptures, acknowledges her missteps, and models the imperfection of being human. This realistic approach to motherhood benefits both children and mothers by reducing anxiety and promoting emotional flexibility.
Parenting in the Age of Pressure
In today’s high-pressure parenting culture, the “good enough” philosophy proposes a badly needed reset. Sometimes, maternal perfection can be perceived as protective, but it may actually be counterproductive. For example, children are supposed to experience reasonable distress—it’s a critical part of their development. And mothers cannot be perfectly attuned to their children’s distress at every moment. According to developmental psychologist Edward Tronick (2017), attachment theory suggests that parents are emotionally attuned to their children only about a third of the time. Another third, they miss the mark. What matters most is the final third: the repair, when the parent and child reconnect and realign, as this is where emotional resilience is built.
Redefining Success in Motherhood
Maternal success is not about being the perfect parent. Success results from being emotionally available, creating a safe and loving environment, and being willing to learn and adapt.
A “good enough” mother:
- Comforts her child but doesn’t shield them from every discomfort.
- Listens with empathy but doesn’t always have the perfect response.
- Offers guidance but lets her child explore autonomy.
- Makes mistakes, apologizes, and models repair and accountability.
The Power of Emotional Attunement
Being emotionally attuned is one of the core qualities of a “good enough” mother. Attunement means being aware of your child’s emotions, recognizing their signals, and responding appropriately. It doesn’t mean reading your child’s mind or anticipating their every need. It means noticing and connecting—most of the time.
Studies in attachment theory have shown that children don’t need perfect parents; they need “good enough” parents who are reliably present and emotionally responsive. Secure attachment develops not from flawlessness but from consistency and emotional availability. This approach not only supports healthy emotional development in children but also frees mothers from the paralyzing pressure of having to do it all.
Practical Ways to Practice Attunement
There are several ways you can demonstrate attunement with your children including:
- Pause before reacting. Ask yourself what your child might be feeling beneath the behavior.
- Use reflective listening: “It sounds like you’re really upset because…”
- Create space for feelings without rushing to fix everything.
Letting Go of Perfection
One of the greatest gifts a mother can give herself and her children is the freedom to be imperfect. Trying to be everything to everyone often leads to burnout, resentment, and disconnection. Children will benefit more from a calm, emotionally grounded mother than from a frantic one who is striving for perfectionistic standards. Letting go of perfection doesn’t mean becoming careless or disengaged. It means accepting that you’ll make mistakes. This can be a valuable lesson for children, as when they see you stumble and recover, they will learn that it is acceptable for them to do the same.
Prioritizing Connection Over Control
A “good enough” mother values connection more than control. Instead of striving to “fix” her child or mold them into an ideal, she seeks to understand who they are. This doesn’t mean permissiveness—it means parenting from a place of respect, empathy, and curiosity. Taking time to connect may include:
- Building rituals of connection: bedtime stories, family dinners, regular check-ins.
- Encouraging emotional expression and validating feelings.
- Maintaining consistent, loving boundaries.
This type of relationship fosters emotional intelligence, trust, and long-term closeness, outcomes that matter far more than perfect routines or spotless homes.
The Power of Repair Over Guilt
Although guilt is not productive, it is a common emotion among moms. Making mistakes doesn’t damage children. However, avoiding repair does. Apologizing, explaining, and changing behavior in response to mistakes models emotional maturity and teaches children how to navigate imperfection.
The importance of self-care
To be a “good enough mother”, you must nurture yourself. This means tending to your own emotional, physical, and spiritual needs with the same compassion you offer your children. You can foster self-care by:
- Building a support system of friends, family, or parenting communities.
- Making time for rest, reflection, and things that bring you joy.
- Letting go of guilt around self-care.
- Seeking professional support, such as therapy, when needed.
When mothers care for themselves, they model self-worth, self-regulation, and self-love which are critical lessons for their children.
Motherhood is not a performance. It’s a relationship and a journey that incorporates love, mistakes, repair, and growth. Being a “good enough” mother means showing up, being human, embracing vulnerability and imperfection, and loving your children as they are while allowing yourself to be as you are. Remember that presence is more important than perfection.
References
Tronick, E. (2017). The caregiver–infant dyad as a buffer or transducer of resource enhancing or depleting factors that shape psychobiological development. Australian and New Zealand Journal of Family Therapy, 38(4), 561-572.